Gabrielle's Staff
by Phineas Redux
Summary: Gabrielle wants to buy a new staff. Xena wants to buy a sword. Gabrielle has a plan!


Disclaimer-MCA/Universal/Renpics own all copyrights to everything related to 'Xena: Warrior Princess' and I have no rights to them.

**-OOO-**

**Gabrielle's Staff**

The sun was shining; the birds were singing; the populace of the quiet country town strolled about their business in the crowded street; Xena had her eye on a weapons shop over the way; and Gabrielle was telling a carpenter, in his own workshop, the best way to plane a plank of wood. The carpenter was listening with growing anger at her lack of appreciation of his skills; and Xena was thinking, with that small part of her mind not taken up with drooling over the distant swords, about when she would need to step in and put the pinch on the irate shopkeeper!

"The best adzes come from Corinth. But you wouldn't know that here, in this hic—er, country town!" Gabrielle put down the piece of wood with which she had been explaining her wishes; brushed her long hair away from her face, and looked at the stocky woodcarver with critical eyes. "I want a good staff, mind. And not just knocked up outta pinewood, either! I want it made of quality elm! That's the best wood for making really good staffs, y'know!"

Gabrielle was well-launched on her favourite way of spending an afternoon at the markets; telling others how best to do their jobs. She didn't make many friends this way, but Xena could never convince her of this failing.

"Madam, I know how to make a staff." The carpenter raised his eyes skywards, and tried to think nice thoughts; then he looked back at the young green-eyed troublemaker, and forgot them all again. "If you just leave me to it I can promise the finished article later this afternoon. Can I say fairer than that?"

"How can you do that, when I haven't given you any measurements or instructions, yet?" Gabrielle shrugged her shoulders in disgust as she looked at Xena for confirmation of her words. "My staff isn't just _any_ staff; it has to be a deadly weapon, able to dis-arm or kill an opponent at will!"

The carpenter looked confused, obviously wondering what kind of lunatic he had allowed into his place of work.

"Madam, a staff is supposed to help you walk and take the strain on a long tramp. It ain't a weapon! If you want a weapon I'd recommend Aulis's shop across the street, there. He has daggers, and swords, and suchlike!"

"Ah, me!" Gabrielle sighed forlornly. She was obviously faced with yet another poor fool who thought edged weapons were the only tool in town. "Oranges are not the only fruit, ya know! Get a life! I want a staff I can knock people's brains out with! That is, of course, supposing the kinda dead-beats Xena and I usually come across have any brains!"

"What?" The woodcarver was non-plussed. "Are you saying you want me to make a spear-shaft for you? That's a little out of my range!"

"No! No!" Gabrielle was really beginning to lose it now. "Gods! What does a girl have to do? OK, listen. I want a staff. Got that?"

"I suppose—!" The woodcarver sounded less than sure of himself.

"And its gotta be about six feet long." The warrior-in-training tried to clarify this instruction. "Just over my height. Got that?"

"Well, I suppose—!" The carpenter still seemed unhappy.

"And for all the Gods' sake don't sharpen one end, like a man did with the last staff I ordered back in Ithaca!" Gabrielle snorted in contempt at the memory. "He tried to make me pay him for wasted time! Ha! I sure wasted him! I said I sure wasted him, didn't I, Xena?"

"Wassat?" Xena, standing by the door, was still focussed on the array of swords on show across the street. "Yeah! What!"

"See! Xena agrees with me!" Gabrielle smirked at the frowning carpenter, with his dusty smock. "Its gotta be long; its gotta be strong; its gotta be one badda—!"

"Madam!" The craftsman interrupted her flow to ask a question of some import to him. "Who is this—staff—for? You?"

"And why shouldn't it be for me?" The battling bard was incensed by the tone of the man's words. "I'll have you know I'm well-known and dreaded from Piraeus to Sparta as a fearless warrior! Well, anywhere within coughing distance of Potidaea, anyway! Of course it's for me!"

"I only ask because you look more like a lady's maid to me!" The man stepped further into the danger area, without realising the impact his words were having on the sensitive soul of the girl in front of him. "I figured you for the servant of this lady here! Ain't you?"

"Great Boiling Gods in Tartarus!" Gabrielle's reaction to this slur was immediate. She leaned forward angrily to snarl in the man's face. "I wouldn't be this lady's maid if she paid me in pearls; and she don't, take my word for it!"

"Hey!" Xena attempted to rescue her tattered reputation. "I wouldn't want you as my maid if ya came to me on bended knees! I got principles, ya know!"

"Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!" Gabrielle turned her attention to the tall dangerous warrior-woman a few yards away; looking into her face with a scowl. "Last time I saw one of your principles it was running for its life somewhere over in Boeotia! And it didn't leave a parting note!"

"Gabrielle, that ain't nice!" Xena gestured in disgust, and frowned at the nearby spectators who were beginning to take an interest in the conversation. "Come on. Buy your staff. I gotta go to that sword shop over there!"

"Oh, _you gotta_ have you?" Gabrielle sneered coldly at her friend; completely oblivious of the annoyed stare Xena was giving her from icy blue eyes. "And what about when I gotta? Do I get to do anything? Do I get to buy weapons? Do I get to make plans? Do I get to kick people's asses whenever I want? Do I g—"

"Gabrielle, you make other people want to kick _our_ asses!" Xena knew when she was on a winner. "That's half the reason we lead such a peripatetic life!"

"What? What?" Gabrielle laughed outright, looking round at the many citizens now thoroughly enjoying the argument. "Peripatetic! Is that a word? You just made that up to look good! I know you! You couldn't peripateticise to save your life, so there!"

"Ladies! Ladies!" The carpenter, probably unwisely, decided to edge back into the conversation. "Is this staff thing still going? Or is it off? 'cause I have to tell you I don't think I care much either way, now!"

"Look, mister, I came in here to buy a good staff." Gabrielle transferred her attention back to the situation in hand. "And I ain't leaving till I've got your word that you can deliver on the bargain!"

"Bargain?" He shuffled a little away from the small-framed, but clearly volatile, figure in front of him. "I haven't made a bargain with you, yet!"

"Well, now's the time!" Gabrielle jumped in while the iron was hot. "I asked for a staff. You said you can make a staff. Don't deny it! About fifty people here heard you. Ain't that right?"

Her question; spoken loudly to all and sundry round about, brought a swift and all-inclusive answer from the delighted spectators.

"Yeah! Damn right! You made a promise! Give her a staff, or we won't buy from you anymore!"

The last shouted criticism hit the carpenter's most delicate spot, and he caved in ungraciously. Trade had to go on, after all!

"OK! OK! The lady gets her staff!" He shrugged disconsolately. "Don't know if she deserves it, though; but I'll make it! What size did you say, lady?"

"A foot taller than her head!" Xena snorted in derision, from her position on the far side of the shop. "That way it'll be about the same size as her ego!"

"That's it!" Gabrielle snapped entirely. "Outta my way! I got a bone to pick with the big woman over there!"

Gabrielle started to push her way through the large throng of enchanted onlookers who had not only gathered outside, but were now actually crowding into the shop. But before she could reach her prey the carpenter spoke up once more.

"Will everybody please get out of my shop!" He raised his voice as he tried to look over the heads of the people closest to him. "I got a trade to carry on, here! If you ain't buying, hit the street! Hey! Are you buying, madam?"

"OK! OK!" Gabrielle gave up her pursuit of a certain loud-mouthed warrior for the moment and turned back to the craftsman. "Yeah, I'll take a staff. But you make it the way I want, right?"

"Anything you say, lady, anything you say!" He gave in grudgingly. "Just so long as these people leave me in peace! Gods! If I'd known this was goin' to happen I'd have stayed closed today!"

"And I want a bargain!" Gabrielle was unrepentant, as she eyed the disgruntled man. "I'll give you seven drachma. That's fair!"

"Oh, Gods!" Refraining from telling this clearly hot-tempered semi-hooligan that—_no, he didn't think it was fair,_—the craftsman gave up. "Alright! Seven drachma it is. Will you be leaving town today?"

"Yeah." Gabrielle nodded, as she finished scribbling some measurements on the carpenter's wax-block with a stylus. "Gotta go. Xena and I have business in Khalkis next week."

"Thank Hephaistos!"

Gabrielle, finally mollified by the craftsman's agreement, gave him the necessary instructions and then joined Xena at the street-door; where most of the citizens had now gone about their own affairs again.

"Well, that worked out fine!" The bard seemed completely unashamed of her attitude, as she brushed her hair languidly and looked at her companion. "So, what's with this sword thing? You wanna buy another sword? Xena, the arsenal at Athens has less weapons than you!"

"The blade of my old one's past it! Too blunt!" Xena shrugged as they both walked over to view the display at the shop's door. "Couldn't cut through one of your fried steaks now. Not that it could, anyway, when it was sharp, mind you!"

"Xena, when we return to camp —" The young bard's voice was icily calm and ominously reserved; but her companion took no notice.

"Here! Whad'ya think of this one?" The warrior picked up a long-bladed sword with a silver inlaid hilt and brandished it round her head; frightening some passers-by in the process. "Nice and light, and a good balance."

"Too long!" Gabrielle had her own ideas on what made a good sword. "Hey! Shop! Shop! Oh, there you are! What kinda crap's this to unload on some unsuspecting customer? I could bend that blade with my hand!"

"What's this? What d'you want?" The armourer had appeared from the shadowy depths of his shop, and immediately took umbrage at the smear being cast on his wares. "That's the finest Macedonian steel, that is! Worth 50 drachma's of anyone's money!"

"Ha!" Gabrielle staggered back a couple of steps in mock horror. "What're ya trying to do; break the Treasury at Athens? That thing's useless! My warrior friend here wants a real weapon! At a real price! What'cha got?"

"What would you like, madam?" The man tried valiantly to button-hole the warrior-woman, and push the snappy red-haired girl out of the conversation; but, of course, he failed!

"Here! Just a minute!" Gabrielle stepped brazenly between the tall dark scowling warrior, and the now irate shopkeeper. "I'm making the deals here, mister. Look! I got the money!"

With this she dug into the deep leather bag hanging by a shoulder-strap at her side, and produced a handful of bright drachma coins. The effect on the business-man was striking and immediate.

"Ah! Right! Swords, eh!" He waved them both into his shop's interior. "I got some lovely weapons newly imported from Rome! Or, if you prefer, there are some amazing swords from further East. Long, sharp, single-edged blades; made of wonderful steel!"

"Nah! Just an ordinary Greek short sword." Gabrielle assumed an air of quiet confidence. "The lady here's only used to the usual weapons. Anything exotic'll just make her nervous!"

"Hey, girl! Watch it!" Xena put a hand on Gabrielle's shoulder, and quietly elbowed her to one side. "OK, mister! This one here, with the leather-bound hilt: what kinda steel's it made from?"

"Probably cast iron, judging by its colour!" Gabrielle charged resolutely back into the fray; even though now both the shopkeeper and Xena were obviously fed-up with her presence. "What my friend wants is something more like this double-edged weapon over here, right!"

"Friend! What friend?" Xena looked ostentatiously all round the dimly lit shop, then back at the rabblerouser-in-training beside her. "Give it a rest, Gabrielle! _You_ pick a sword for _me_? Ha!"

"It'll be better than any rubbish _he_ decides to off-load on you!" The bard sniffed disdainfully at the expression on the man's outraged features. "And don't let him bluff you into thinking he's angry! I doubt if he has a good-quality sword in the whole establishment!"

"Oh, yeah!" The armourer turned round and dashed over to a shelf against the wall, to return with a sleekly glinting weapon. "What about this, then? That's real quality!"

"Mmph! It ain't bad, I'll give ya that!" Xena waved it around with one hand; then transferred it to the other and made some feints and slashes through the air. "Has a nice feel to it. How much?"

"Sixty-five drachma, lady. Fine weapon!" The armourer smirked with pride.

"You must be joking!" Gabrielle was having none of it. She snatched the weapon from Xena's grasp and affected to examine its surface minutely. "Not much to look at! Probably only Scythian steel; but pretty fair, for an ordinary weapon! I'll give you twenty-five drachma!"

"Hades! I got a wife and three kids to keep!" The shopkeeper was appalled by this outrageous statement. "Sixty drachma! And I can't go lower than that, if you begged me!"

"Ha! What's to beg!" Gabrielle was in her element. She waved the sword around amateurishly, with an air of supreme contempt; making Xena step back hurriedly out of danger. "It ain't worth thirty drachma; but seeing as you've brought a tear to my eye, I'll give ya thirty-five!"

"Madam, please!" The armourer gasped in dismay, turning to Xena with a pleading look. "My children are-are starving in the backroom; and-and my wife hasn't eaten a square meal for a week! Fifty drachma!"

"Forty-five!" The sneer in Gabrielle's tone held a note of utter indifference to the man's highly improbable family concerns. "And that ain't just my last offer; it's my final offer! Can't your wife go out and scrub floors?"

"Oh, Gods! Forty-five it is!" The sword-maker accepted defeat, taking the weapon dejectedly to the counter to wrap it. "Will you be leaving town today?"

"Yeah." Gabrielle nodded, as she grinned smugly in triumph at Xena; who was trying to pretend she wasn't actually with this red-haired demon from Hades' realm. "Gotta go. Xena and I have business in Khalkis next week."

"Thank Hephaistos!"

—OOO—

"Gabrielle!" Xena looked doubtfully at the young girl walking happily at her side an hour later, as they headed along the country road leading back towards their camp. "You know, when I agreed to your plan earlier this morning to do the bargaining your way, and you said _'Let me do all the talking'_—I didn't think you meant _'Let me get right up the nose of every single shopkeeper in the town, and nearly get us both lynched'_!"

"Hades! Who cares!" Gabrielle laughed merrily, and shook her long locks so that they sparkled redly in the afternoon light.

"You have an evil mind, Gabrielle!"

"Thanks, Xena!"

As they carried on walking Gabrielle smoothly hefted her new beautiful elm staff then, in a sudden fluid movement, stepped back and brought it round to lightly whack Xena's butt.

"Do that once more, lady, and I'll find a use for that staff ya won't like!"

"Har-de-har, warrior woman!" Gabrielle sniggered complacently. "Come an' take it off me, if ya think you're big enough! Oh, shi—!"

The End

—OOO—


End file.
